How to Break a Cycle
You should already be proud, you are here, this means you want to make some changes in your life. With every choice we make, we are going somewhere. Either it’s closer to the person we want to be or further away. By starting this process, you are moving forward. You are taking control of your life. Going where you choose.
This isn’t a one shot deal. But I promise you, if you keep with it, each time you go through the process, you are making changes in the right direction. You are moving one step closer to where you want to go. Keep at it, celebrate and notice positive changes, no matter how small.
And know, with every action you are either laying down a deeper track for your cycle or you are creating a new one. Keep the lights on, keep talking and working. Shame doesn’t serve you in any way. Don’t let it rule you.
Share your victories big or small (post them on our Facebook page) so you can encourage others in your same situation, but a few steps behind you in the process. They need to hear from you! We are with you, supporting you, every step of the way. You’re not alone anymore. You’re part of a community of people that has struggles and wants to work on redirecting them.
Together, we will break the cycles that bind us.
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Q&A
Q: Sometimes I’m able to control myself and other times I’m not, why?
A: In our daily life, when things are going smoothly, we have the ability to control our actions. When something triggers us, like stress, feeling out of control or powerless, we click into auto-pilot mode. This is where these cycles play out.
Q: What is auto-pilot mode?
A: It’s when you aren’t rational anymore. You aren’t able to think straight or make choices. Auto-pilot mode is when you are in a cycle. This is where you will do, say, and act in the ways you’ve seen, heard and witness or acted many times before, regardless of how bad you don’t want to.
Q: I never thought I could ever hurt a child, when it happened to me, I swore I would never, could never. But, I have and it’s the thing I’m most regretful and shameful about.
A: This is very normal. Wanting to change something isn’t enough. Once these cycles are engrained in us, the only way to stop them is to rewire them.
Q: I feel so weird and alone when I binge eat. Everyone else looks so normal and I feel so much shame about how I act, but I can’t stop, no matter how hard I try.
A: Know that the one thing that unties us all, no matter how we look, where we live or how much money we have, is that we all have issues. Everyone. Without exception.
You are not alone. You feel that way because you are keeping what you do a secret. The minute you open up and share, you will feel less weird and know you’re not alone.
Q: How can I rewire a bad cycle?
A: First, you have to recognize it as a bad cycle, a cycle you would like to change. Next, you need to study it. In order to take control of something, we first must learn about it. Right now, because we are so shameful about our actions, we hide from it. We pretend it’s not happening. We don’t talk about it.
Talk about it. These cycles rely on shame, like fire relies on air. By shining a light on it, instead of keeping it hidden in the dark, we can now see it and begin to understand it, start to see patterns. If you are too shameful to talk about it to another, just get it out when you’re alone in the car or in the shower. The minute you talk it out, you can see it more clearly and start to understand it.
Q: Okay, I see the cycle I want to break now and have started to talk about it with a trusted friend or myself, now what?
A: First, find what triggers you, there may be a few things like; stress from work or school that leaves you feeling not good enough or powerless, traffic that causes you to be late, you will see a pattern to your triggers. Note the triggers. Download and print our form and use it as your guide, if you don’t have a printer, write it down.
Q: I see what my triggers are, what’s next?
A: When a trigger occurs, things in your body and mind start to change, physically. Pay attention to what happens to you when you experience a trigger.
Examples of this may be:
1. You start to take shallow breaths or feel like you’re not breathing.
2. Your body tenses up, from your shoulders to your toes.
3. Your mind is racing with negative self talk. I’m a loser, I know I can’t do it, they’re right about me.
Now it’s time to replace each one of these with a new action or thought.
Examples of this may be:
1. Force yourself to breathe. Take long, slow breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth.
2. Roll your shoulders, open and close your clinched jaw, shake out your hands and toes.
3. Have something new ready to tell yourself. I am kind, I can do it, whatever it is you need to say. Do not allow yourself to repeat what you always have. You can only control you.
You must control your thoughts. You will not be able to think of something good here, it’s too late. You need to have what you will say to yourself ready and silence your old voices.
Q: This seems too easy. I’ve watched my dad push my mom around when he comes home after a bad day at work since I was a kid. I promised myself, I’d never, now I do it to my wife. You’re telling me by doing this, I can stop this cycle that’s been engrained in my family for generations?
A: Yes. You can. These things (whatever happens to you when a trigger sets you into motion) may seem too simple, but what they do is they break that old circuit. Our bodies just do what they have always done. In order to change that, we need to change what we are doing. These little things, very quickly sometimes are each a gear and with every click of the gear, you are headed towards auto-pilot mode. Once you are there, it’s too late. In order to stay away from auto-pilot mode, we must replace the old actions and thoughts.
Q: How long will it take to break a cycle?
A: It depends on how long you’ve been doing it and how hard you are willing to work. We are working to create a new auto-pilot, a new cycle or circuit inside of you, so that when you get triggered, the new actions are what you do, automatically.
Q: How will I know I have broken it?
A: When you get triggered by something and automatically do the new actions or thoughts without thinking about it. When you see that no matter what is happening around you, nothing can make you act how you did when in a cycle.
But, sometimes I feel that if my wife, (girlfriend, parent, child, siblings, boss) wouldn’t push my buttons, I wouldn’t end up doing things I regret. This is one of the most critical pieces to breaking a cycle. You are in charge of you and you alone. You cannot rely on anyone else to change in any way. You have to accept life for what it is and know that the only thing you’re in control of changing, is you.
Well, I need the support of my partner. She is my trigger. I realized that I have trust issues and when I feel unworthy of her and feel like she’ll abandon me, I very quickly start on my destructive path to auto-pilot. I realized that when she gets a text and I’m feeling particularly low about myself, I get crazy. I’d like her to just tell me who it is, let me look at her phone to ease my suspicions.
I want her to help me, I need her to, it’s her that’s my trigger. I love her so much, I’m terrified of losing her. But, when I’m in a cycle, I’m so awful to her, I can see now that I’m almost forcing her to leave.
This is very normal. We play out our cycles on those closest to us, often times those we love the most. But, they are not causing your behavior, you are, your old habits and cycles are and no matter how badly we want to blame, we must know that us and us alone are the only people we can change.
Q: How can we go through this together then?
A: If your trigger is someone that you love, trust and want the best for you, then they can help you. If they are not, you have to accept, if you want this cycle changed, if you want to change the way you act, you need to take control of your own actions. You alone. Breaking a cycle is not dependent on anyone else around you.
Q: Okay, if they want to help, how can they?
A: Tell them what’s going on. Likely, they already know, but even if it doesn’t involve them, tell them what you are doing and ask for their support. The only way a trigger or loved one can help you is when you are in your normal state. These conversations must happened when you are in control, calm and rational. When you are in a cycle or auto-pilot mode, you are not able to think or act rationally.
Tell them what happens to you, what your triggers are, what happens inside of you before you get into your cycle. This will be a welcome relief. Chances are, if they are a trigger, you have been trying to make them believe that they are responsible for your actions.
An example of this may be:
1. if you didn’t cook all of my favorites or keep all this junk food in the house, I could stick to my diet and not binge eat.
2. If you would just give me access to your phone or computer, I wouldn’t be so suspicious. You keeping it from me makes me feel like your’e sneaky.
3. If you kept the house clean and the kids quiet after a rough day at work, I wouldn’t go crazy.
The list is endless and we all know how we try to blame others for our actions, but we are stopping that now. Because in order to break a cycle we must accept responsibility for our actions. And accept that the we can only change ourselves. We cannot expect one thing or person besides us to change.
Q: So how can they help? I want to feel supported.
A: When you are calm and collected, tell them that you may need to walk away from them, you may not be able to talk to them, if you come home from work and go into your room, they need to let you be. Tell them what you will be doing and talk to them after, if you like, so you feel supported in that way, but after the trigger happens, no one can help you but yourself. Only you can keep you from reaching auto-pilot mode and entering a cycle.
If they know what you are doing ahead of time, likely they will let you be, if they don’t and they are used to engaging in your cycle with you, do it anyway. Walk away, leave the room, lock the door if you have to, but know you will need to follow your plan and cannot rely on anyone’s help at this point.
When you start to see how you are actually changing and breaking this cycle, celebrate the victories. Even if you don’t have anyone healthy to celebrate with, share it with us on our FB page, just sit and be proud of yourself, but celebrate. You are changing your own life, but you are doing so much more than that. By breaking a cycle, you are changing the lives of your children that are learning their own cycles from you and everyone around you. By breaking a cycle, you are truly changing the world. Be proud.
Q: What if I keep ending up in my cycle?
A: You have to be completely committed and know that this cycle may have taken generations to create, it will take time to break, but do not give up. Keep the light shined on it, so you can see it.
The worst thing you can do is shove it back in the closet and turn out the light. It doesn’t mean it’s not there. Keep a light on it and keep working at it. Hoping is not enough. No one wants to be bad. No one wants to hurt themselves or their loved ones. We do it because that’s what we’ve always done. Change what you’re doing and you’ll change where you end up.